Regret
by bluemeanies
Summary: A Pansy Parkinson Story, written in the form of a college ap essay


AN: Yes, I know there are no wizarding universities. This was written in response to a challenge, to have a HP character answer a question like one of those pesky things on a US college application that we all aganize over. And I know a lot of people don't like Pansy, but please try it.  
  
"In order for our university's admissions staff to get to know you, the applicant, better, we ask that you answer the following question: Are there any significant experiences you have had, or accomplishments you have realized, that have helped to define you as a person?"  
  
If you had asked me three, or maybe even two years ago what my plans were for after Hogwarts, I would have given you a very simple answer- marry Draco Malfoy. It was everything that was expected of me. My mother had always told me that the proper thing for a young girl to do was to marry rich and to take care of my husband. And Draco, well, Draco certainly was rich. And handsome. And witty. The first time we met, I just knew, deep in my heart that it was destiny. Sure, he could sometimes be cruel, but I could convince myself that the people he was cruel to deserved it and soon found myself being cruel as well. My friends from before Draco, especially the Patil twins who I had grown up with practically as a third sister, became more distant.  
  
Even though he ignored me through most of our school time through third year, I still followed him closely, hoping that it would happen. Then in my fourth year he asked me to the Yule Ball dance, and the following summer he asked me and my family to vacation with his family. My mother and Mrs. Malfoy soon wrote up a contract for our engagement, because that is how such things were done with the Malfoy's. I was ecstatic.  
  
But that summer there was more going on than simply romance, but I don't need to tell you that. The Malfoys had traditionally supported Lord Voldemort and while my family hadn't in the first war, we hadn't exactly opposed him either. I soon found myself dragged into this world, and in the moments which I now most regret, I actually enjoyed some of my cruelty. Fifth year, I felt like a queen with Draco as my king as other students avoided us in fear. But even then I saw signs that it was not meant to be. Whenever I saw Draco's mother look upon his father, the by now infamous Lucius Malfoy, I saw a dull sadness, a regret, a kind of guilt in her eyes. I told myself it was weak of her, but now I know that it came from knowing what he was capable of and being forced to accept it in her own life. I saw the pleading on peoples faces while being tortured and occasionally found myself getting sick to my stomach. It finally became to much the next summer.  
  
Padma Patil was standing there, and I watched as Draco and Lucius would hit her again and again with the Cruciatus curse. The girl who I had played dolls with, who I had gone unicorn hunting with, I watched her stare at me with silent incomprehension. I saw the glint of pleasure in Draco's eyes as he said 'Avada Kedavra' and performed his first kill. And I knew I could not live like this anymore.  
  
For these past two years, all my actions have been driven by a sense that I should have done something then. That I never should have been so foolish as to follow Draco, as to fall into that trap. I feel that I must do something to make it up to Padma. That I must, somehow, aspire to something greater than that foolish dream of mine. For her, for Mrs. Malfoy, who, god rest her soul could never do it for herself, and most of all for me. So that I can prove that I, at least, am not truly as bad as he is. To prove that the support given to me when I made the decision to turn my back on the dream by my professors, especially Professor Dumbledore who managed to get me clemency from the ministry for my sins, and Professor Snape who would never let me slip back into my old habits, my old life when the will to resist wavered was worth it. I want to make something of myself that Padma would be proud of, that I can be proud of. I know I haven't thus far.  
  
Pansy Parkinson 


End file.
